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The History of the World - according to students
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving
the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together
the following "history" of the world form certifiably genuine student bloopers
collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through
college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
- The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of
huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France
- The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their
children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice
Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark.
Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarch, but they
did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the
- Pharao forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them
to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without
any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten
commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He
fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical
times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
- Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth
is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him
in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The
Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was
the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Acutally, Homer was
not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
- Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
- In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java. The reward to the visitor was a coral wreath. The
government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into
their onwn hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so
high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.
When they fought the Parisians, the Greek were outnumbered because the
Persians had more men.
- Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the
guestes wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought the
was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his
poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
- Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlos mustarded his troops before the
Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and
the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the
Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the
- In medevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer
of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote
literature. Another tale of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
apple while standing on his son's head.
- The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg
for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being
excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in
the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age
of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir
Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis
Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
- The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth
was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth
exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah". Then her
navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
- The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his
plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet
rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King
by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Milton. Milton
wrote "Paradise Lost". Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise
- During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discoverd America while cursing about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe. Later the
Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and that was called the Pilgrim's Progress.
When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who
came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs
carried their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of
1620 was a hard one for the setters. Many people died and many babies
were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
- One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post
without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Raul Revere was throwing
balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.
Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all
his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented
electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided
against itself cannot stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
- George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was
adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
- Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He
said, "In onion there is strength". Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg
address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg n the back of an
envelope. he also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth
Admendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would
torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night
of April 13, 1965, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat
bye one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator
was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's
- Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy".
Gravity was invented bye Issac Walton. Is is chiefly noticeable in the
Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
- Back was the most famous composes in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though
he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in
the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired
in 1827 and later died for this.
- France was in a very serious state. The Frenche Revolution was
accomplished before it happend. The Marseillaise was the theme of the
French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the
Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their
shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped
at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was
very tense and unrestrained. he wanted an heir to inherit his power,
but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
- The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire
is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest
queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally
the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death
was the final event which ended her reign.
- The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the
work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.
Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist
who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium.
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
- The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by
a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Source: Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School.
Given to me by a dear colleague
Anke Weinberger, 1997-02-21, 1997-02-24