What if people bought cars like they buy computers?

Helpline:

"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

Customer:

"I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

Helpline:

"Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"

Customer:

"What's an ignition?"

Helpline:

"It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

Customer:

"Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

Helpline:

"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

Customer:

"My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

Helpline:

"Is the gas tank empty?"

Customer:

"Huh? How do I know?"

Helpline:

"There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

Customer:

"I see an 'E' but no 'F'."

Helpline:

"You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'."

Customer:

"No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'."

Helpline:

"A 'V'?!?"

Customer:

"Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."

Helpline:

"No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."

Customer:

"That steering wheel thingy -- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"

Helpline:

"Yes, among other things."

Customer:

"The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

Helpline:

"It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."

Customer:

"What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

Helpline:

"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

Customer:

"Your cars suck!"

Helpline:

"What's wrong?"

Customer:

"It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

Helpline:

"What were you doing?"

Customer:

"I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!"

Helpline:

"I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."

Customer:

"Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did -- now the damn thing's crashed."

Helpline:

"Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"

Customer:

"What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"

Helpline:

"Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"

Customer:

"How do you do THAT?"

Helpline:

"You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."

Customer:

"Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."

Helpline:

"Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"

Customer:

"I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"

Helpline:

"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

Customer:

"Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

Helpline:

"Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

Customer:

"How do I work it?"

Helpline:

"Do you know how to drive?"

Customer:

"Do I know how to what?"

Helpline:

"Do you know how to DRIVE?"

Customer:

"I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"